REFLECTIONS: A New Chapter (or: A New Beginning)

In this life, sometimes we are called upon to make a decision whether to allow our past to dictate our future, or move ahead to a new chapter. It comes doen to this: be a victim of circumstance, or a victor (survivor) of such. To do the former is to sell your soul and very life-force; to do the latter is preferable, for it allows you to become the person you were truly intended to be. To begin a new LIFE instead of settling for the mediocre EXISTENCE you once permitted to define who you are.

Have you ever seen a person who walked as if there was literally a ghost behind them? Like they were paranoid at all times, and living in fear and doubt, as if the other shoe were always about to drop? I must admit that for far too long that was an apt description of myself. Sleepless, restless, listless, and lifeless; in a constant stare of mental turmoil that not only wrecked today, but threatened to unravel the threads of my tomorrow. And, lest I forget, caused me to cast an eye ever backward. Lamenting. Mourning. Obsessing over things past and complaining and bewailing what I did not have, rather than taking charge and looking ahead to the glorious future that clearly laid before my feet

I wrote a poem once called "No Looking Back", one of my shortest, poems I've ever written. It went as follows:

No Looking Back

I ripped my rear-view off
So I couldn't see where
I'd been
I was racing
Into the open arms
Of the FUTURE.

So short, yet its words expressed the optimism for the future, the turning from things past, and the refusal to be held back from ANYTHING my heart desired, and for WHEREVER my dreams would allow me to go. I wrote this one years ago, and I find myself come full-circle.

How apropos for where I now find myself in life. Free, no longer bounded by the constricting and constraining environment in which I used to be. Hopeful, for a future that I truly feel is mine to take hold of. Open, to wherever the universe wishes to take me. Aware, of who I truly am at long last. Awake, to the promisr of the renewal of my spirit. Refreshed, as I breathe in the new air of a new place to live out my dreams I have held close to my heart for so long.

I could ask myself, "Can it get any better than this?" but for once I KNOW this is only the tip of the iceberg. At one time in my life I was shuddering over the thought that THAT was the best it COULD get. That all my better years were behind me. Boy, was I mistaken!!!! Little did I know where the course of ONE SHORT YEAR would take me.

Nothing could have prepared me for everything that has happened, especially the last few weeks and months. I won't question it; the Universe has given me a gift and as the old saying goes, you don't look a gift horse in the mouth. And to reference another appropriate old expression that comes to mind, "Whenever God (the Universe) closes a door, he opens a window" That very window of opportunity presented itself and I jumped through, and took what was on the other side and ran with it.

Now I find myself at precisely the crossroads I have always wanted to be. I've taken the path of greatest resistance, I know. But often, you must do just that to retain your soul and very life-force and reclaim it from the grip of the tethers and ties that threaten to choke you utterly to death.

And so, I know I've spoken in very veiled terms and ambiguous references. That was my full intent here. I truly believe that all who know me will know EXACTLY where I am coming from, and those who don't can and will readily identify with the universal nature of the themes presented. I know that either at coming-of-age crossroads or at other milestone moments to which life often brings us, there is a general sense of a "turning of the page" or even an outright turning away from those things which are behind and a new vision focused forward.

Therefore my thoughts as I write this are both optimistic and realistic. The benefit of maturity and wisdom gleaned from whence I came should be should indeed guide my steps. My starry-eyed vision of the way ahead needs to be tempered against the rear-view vision of the road behind me. But no longer should I allow those images and memories of my past to loom larger than they appear...

REFLECTIONS: Change

Just when you think you have life all figured out, some ridiculous freak of reason throws you a curveball. Romance, religion, right-and-wrong; all these are areas that are putting me in one devil of a quandary. Being pulled in one million directions simultaneously is not an environment conducive to much success in the decision making process.

The affairs of the heart, mind, body, and soul are all quite tricky in and of themselves. Add in a cacophony of constantly screaming inner voices and the din is so intense that one can hardly think clearly. It’s as if there are a gazillion radios in my head and they are all tuned to a different station. To pin one clear channel of reason down is like chasing quicksilver.

The chorus of conflicting emotions makes me scream out for a few moments of silent meditation just to become a little more balanced. To bring some type of harmony out of the sour notes that plague the many voices of reason that beg to be heard, but only on their terms of having your undivided attention.

Still, you are bombarded by the millions of tones and voices that each say something different, yet the odd thing is that all that is being said is part of you. You cherish each thought; they’re sweet, precious in your sight. They make you the wonderfully intense and complex being you’ve become. They’ve made you the person people know and love. Yet why at the same time do you wish to seek refuge from them.

I guess it’s like running from someone that in reality you do love. You see so much of yourself in them that it’s frighteningly overwhelming. You see the good and bad qualities you possess that come to mind when viewing that person. You somehow feel as if you isolate yourself from yourself that you will never be faced with conflict. That you’re inside some padded cocoon that shields you from the painful pleasures of life. "Painful pleasures," you ask. "How is that possible?"

Allow me to explain. The very pressures and pains that we all go through are the building blocks of what make up our commonly uncommon human experiences. The moments that define us as people and make us as wise to the mysteries of life as we can become as we learn from them or fail to remember George Santayana’s words and condemn ourselves to the same chain of events repeatedly. The miracles and mishaps that either make us bolder to explore uncharted spaces or tragically suck up into the vacuum of oblivion by robbing ourselves of the right to experience risk and even the basic right to feel.

"Success is the result of a risk successfully survived," I once heard it said, and I am inclined to agree one hundred percent. For how can you ever experience anything good unless you first step out of your comfort zone? Depart the familiar for a spell. Learn to survive the status quo; get out and live a little. For how can you ever learn if you never are willing to move beyond the commonplace? You must never settle for mediocrity. The tragic result is losing your individuality.

You have to face the inevitable. Life is full of changes and risks. Will you hold up to them or wimp out and live in the monastery of some safe sheltered haven of indifference? I have a major problem with that idea. It seems much too dull and uninteresting to me. Maybe the trick to life is to not have it all figured out. For really when you look at it properly, in life CHANGE IS THE RULE RATHER THAN THE EXCEPTION.